To myself and the Church

My heart is breaking and ripping at the splitting of the people in my church. Some may say my brokenness and sadness over this appears to be a mental illness. That, of course, makes me sad but I will not hide how it is affecting me because maybe somewhere someone needs to see it and it will help them not to feel alone. Maybe it will make it real or serious and that is how it needs to be viewed. I have been thinking over this split, pondering it in my heart, wrestling over it with God, humbling myself to hear what He has to say to me, beggin for Him to speak and give me wisdom and direction. James 1: 5-8 "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." God only knows my heart, I can not even claim to know it myself. In asking for wisdom, do I believe or am I double minded? So many people I respect and love are leaving and splitting and are part of the cause of this pain and suffering. Where have they gone? Have they abandoned their community because of their inability to be under a preacher with whom they see as weak and perhaps have seen with their own eyes his humanity:: his sin and defensiveness? I thought today about missions all over the world and planting churches. I thought about people who consider themselves "spiritually mature" Christians and how that can become something that divides and can become a camel trying to fit through the eye of a needle. If we were to plant a church in a remote place, say Africa, and set up a leader we feel God has called to lead the people, could we not as "spiritually mature" Christians find worship in that new place, with new Christians, and rookie leadership? Would we feel that the new, less educated, less seasoned pastor/leader is okay for the "baby Christians" in Africa but would not be suitable for us "spiritually mature" Christians with our education, our years of faith and our access to incredibly gifted leaders that God has used in the states (Keller, Driscoll, Warren, Ferguson ...)? If you get close enough to ANY leader and ANY church you find problems that will test your ability to worship, your ability to commit to relationships, your ability to serve under fallen and human leaders and your ability to focus on God. I can not understand why some leaders are called and not others; I can not understand what God is doing, and most of the time may not even like, the people he has placed in the leadership of his church. I know that Moses was a horrible speaker, yet God chose him to lead His people out of Egypt and slavery. I know that there are preachers that seem weak and unchallenging, especially when compared to the access we have through the internet to preachers who have been incredibly blessed with a sharp mind, incredible insight and blessed with a large portion of leadership and spiritual prophesy. I know that sometimes we can leave a service in our small town church and still feel thirsty and hungry. Then go out and get fed. Pray for your church. Get involved in as many Bible studies as it takes, listen to as many sermons as you have to, pray for as many hours as it takes for God to fill your cup, make you full and show you the direction He has chosen for you. We are blessed to be in this country where we can be glutinous in the resources we have to be fed. I realize this direction will not be the same for everyone. God's will is not unilateral: constituting or relating to a contract or engagement by which an express obligation to do or forbear is imposed on only one part, having only one side, occurring on, performed on, or affecting one side of the body or one of its part. God most often, in His intimate knowledge of you, does not say the same thing to you as your closest friend. In the end, for every decision, it comes down to you and God. And I pray that each person's decision is guided and directed by God himself. I struggle with the dreams and desires I have for other people and for my church. I want to see my brother become an amazing man of character and self-discipline. I want this so much that sometimes I push him and get angry when he is not; I get impatient with his growth and impatient with the work God is doing in Him in His timing. I feel an urgency. I feel like I HAVE to do something. But, again, I have to trust God. I have to realize that I can not force my brother, or my church leadership, into where I want it to be. I can leave. I can give up and go somewhere else that offers me more satisfaction and access to my worship. I can go somewhere in which I do not have to humble myself under a man who's sins I have seen. Humility. That is just it. I have thought and rolled the concept over and over throughout this. Humility in myself as a Christian. Humility in realizing that worship is not about me, it is about God. It is God's grace and love that allows me to benefit and fill my cup with worship. Just like forgiveness, I have realized that surrendering is a lifetime thing. From the sermon today, I began to focus on the areas in which I have unsurrendered and need to surrender again. The act in itself is painful, it is the dying of self. It is the dying of our will and our desires and submitting to Gods. It is an incredible act of trust, faith and love. That is what I want to give to God throughout this. I want to surrender and place myself under the authority that, for reasons I don't know or understand, he has placed in my life. I know that God hears my prayers. I know that the wisest and most fruitful way to get what you desire for someone or some church is to pray to God for it. Pray and trust and have patience. All things, we, and I know my own self especially, do not do naturally and actually have a negative reaction to doing in our sinful hearts. Do I believe that the church I attend is handling things the right way? No. Absolutely not. Do I believe that one side is better than the other or is handling these big issues of leadership better. Absolutely not. But I know God has put a love for me in my heart for the people in my church, those gone and those who remain. It is not of my own heart but from His that he allows me to love the way I do. I believe the hurt is so much greater because I loved with a love that was not my own, it was His. So the heartbreak becomes one of a larger spiritual magnitude. I would like to know more about the authority of the church and how God meant for it to work. I would like to know more about what the Bible says and what the truth is for the proper growth of the church in submission of God's will. Do I have the desire to be a vigilante? I believe everyone does, but I suppose that would bring the attention to myself and my works and not His. How often does God's will coincide with mine? God so many times likes to use the weak, the neglected and the ill equipped to make his points. He flips this world's thinking upside down. He does not always use the strongest. He shows His glory the way in which He wants to. I can not tell him how he should show His glory best: who he should put in leadership, what type of worship style our church should adopt, etc. God WILL be glorified. The church IS his bride. To break community as a result of being unable to be under the leadership of any man, whom God has called, whom God has placed and whom God has chosen to use is most often a symptom of my self, but not always of course. I know from a personal case as I searched for the church where God wanted me for over a year in this Holy City. Some pastors made me want to shrivel up and die in the pew I disliked them so much; but God used them anyway. I thought they were pompous and self aggrandizing and arrogant. God used his sermons to bring me to repentance over an issue that I otherwise would have never even seen though. I chose my church because of the people and the capacity I saw for the truth and the people's desire to know Christ in a "real way" not a "Sunday way." I committed to this town and this church this past year as a result of a Tim Keller community group study. I never could have known in a million years that the commitment would lead me to the place it has now. I would not say I am always optimistic, but I could not have fathomed the strife and the loss I have felt thus far in the church He led me to commit to. God is awesome and I can not wait until He shows me what it was all for. I am going to stick around and see. I am going to support, love, encourage and find the ways in which God instructs me to make a change, or shake things up, or say whatever needs to be said. I will not let Satan's attack on my church cause me to leave the body I have committed myself to. And, have no illusions, Satan can use Christians to do his work, I believe he has fooled me into doing his work at times and sometimes in my stubborness and willfulness have even led the way to do things that would please Satan and not God. I am a most sinful and undeserving person. Satan is using real and serious issues that warrant attention to cause Christ's bride to forget how to love one another covering a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." The word "divorce" had risen many times in my mind in the early stages of this separation. What grounds does God give us to divorce one body over another? I don't know. Someone brought my attention to The Purpose Driven Life again by Rick Warren. Ironically written by a pastor that I have negative feelings for. But I was able to find some direction and guidance through the Day 19 through Day 21's bible verses reference in the back of the book. I am grateful to God for his Word and without this pastor, whom I dislike on a personal level immensely, I would never found what has been so crucial to my ability to cope and grow in the knowledge and relationship from God through this time. If anyone reads these bible references referred to in Day 19 - 21 I would welcome your thoughts, convictions and insight.