Christian One Night Stand Communities for Some

I realize this statement will probably alienate me more but I am so over worrying about what other people think about me and hoping to eventually be accepted: my overall Christian community since moving to Charleston (whether still a part of our church or part of the split) has felt like a one-night stand; i opened myself up and it felt good for small moments but when it was over, I realized there was no commitment or intimacy there.

I have never felt such insecurity or an increase in my anxiety disorder as I have trying to be a part of a Christian community here. That is not me and that is not how God made me to be. I am sure that He doesn’t want His chosen children to feel that way.

And maybe you would say that I or my personality or quirks, problems or inadequacies are to blame and maybe you are right. I am sure that I am far from a perfect member of a community or body for that matter. Honestly, I have probably thought about that more than anyone should and it now only fuels my insecurities, feelings of inadequacy and decreased worth.

I do not feel like that in Christ. In Christ I feel special and am forever grateful and undeserving of that. I know that I will not leave the Body or Christ bc of this experience and I know He will never let me go but I worry about the pain it may cause other people who follow me. Bc this really isn’t about me. I can throw a pity party and feel bad for myself and send out invitations. I am sure that I will need to heal from this as well and I may not be the best witness of grace, beauty under fire, etc… But more than anything in this world is that when I feel this pain, I know there are others, maybe just a small number, which feel the same way. I am grieved for the people that come after me and try to be in community; for the people who I meet with to plant the seed of Christ in, for my non-Christian friends I talk with now and those in the world who may one day open up the window of their souls for the intimacy of Christian community that Christ lays out in the Bible and we ultimately have inborn in our hearts a desire for.

I write this letter in the hopes that one day when we all meet people in the future that we think about the pain and loneliness that even Christians, who are without community can go through. That rejection can make even a Christian feel suicidal and hopeless.

The fear in sending this email is overwhelming. Please forgive me if my pain or bitterness has overshadowed any good that I hoped to achieve here. Please take this story or leave it. My fear is that this letter will become something that will make people say, "Oh crap, guess SWF 30 was really out there and not connected." I really don’t want it to be about me. I don’t want a campaign to reach out to me or invite me lots of places. I just wanted to share something that others may not be able to share. I want to sacrifice any social respect I may have and maybe chances for being a part of this community for others that come behind me.

There are incredible things in store for us as children of Christ. Everyday is a day for us to realize how much more intimately He knows us than we know ourselves. It is truly amazing. I don’t know if I am spitting into the wind here (just had an awesome visual of that) but sometimes I really feel called to display the insecurities that others can’t; and by God’s grace I do not believe everyone experiences these insecurities. By God’s grace I hope in some small way my story will be used to make emphasize awareness of the power the Christian community can have in someone’s life.