My Honor: “The Most Unstable Person You'll Ever Know"

These are my thoughts so far on what you share about yourself, where and when you share at this point in my life. I am sure they will be revised, reviewed and re-integrated as the years move along. Unfortunately, I hope that is not out of the fear of appearing to be the “most unstable person” you will have the privilege of meeting.

When you put on a mask, compose yourself always as if you have your “shit” together, and in general share nothing about your true self- you deny me and others of seeing Christ work. Suppose you are a Christian who does not have many close Christian friends: for whatever reason, be it that you are a new Christian, be it that you are not a pleasant person to be around, be it that you have social anxieties, be it that your particular age group has already married or started a family, or be it that it just hasn’t worked out that way since college or high school…. Whatever the reason may be, safe it to say, there may be many people out there in this world that feel the same way.

Before I was a Christian I used to see this Christian world as a place where everybody did right (or so it appeared), where everybody had great social skills (at least if they were at a “Christian” event), where no one had doubts or struggles that I could even imagine identifying with, where the Christians that you did know the secrets of were hypocrites for the way they acted around other Christians, or where they believed they were so much more in the know that they were the only ones who truly knew how to be good people. I was told that I did not really know how to love because I was not a Christian (something I do grasp now but at the time was completely horrified by). I was told that my behavior, not believing in Christ, was an act of rebellion; therefore every thought, insecurity, doubt, belief, or character trait was wrong and ultimately evil. I cannot tell you how lonely and scarred that will make someone feel who is earnestly trying to find the truth and who God has not yet decided to open His wonderful truth to. The South is particularly charming in the way that both those in and outside the church strive to display a culture of perfect behavior, conversation, perfectly honed dress and appearances.

Ever since I became a Christian I was so excited to have found the Truth! I could not believe it. I had found truth, something I had an incredible longing for and something I could not find easily in the culture, church and people around me. I had finally been shown the truth of what would inevitably become the only thing that would get me from day to day. The truth is beautiful, scary, uncomfortable at times, and full of glory.

When I became a Christian I knew nothing of the church, its community, Christian friends, bible studies and small groups. These ideas and the things that went on at them were completely foreign to me. I cannot say that I didn’t already start off as being quite a unique individual as far as the world was concerned. I was ecstatic about finding the truth, hearing more or it, studying it and becoming closer to it. I decided to go in with both feet and ask for prayers for the true things that really needed prayer, I decided to push myself to talk about the things that were real struggles with real pain and real (maybe too raw at times) emotions and failures. This I had not seen before in the Christian world but I knew that it must be the way to really grow in Christ, allow others to see Christ work in you, allow others to see Christ work through their prayers in your life, reach other people who may be too scared to say they struggle with the same thing and too alone to know that they aren’t the only ones who are fighting this battle called life. This battle, it has real enemies, and they are horrible. This battle, in which God is bigger than it all and is pleased and glorified to show His work in your life.

I did this because I love the truth. I spoke out because I love the truth. I spoke out because I never wanted any newly Christian person or person that doesn’t have a lot of support or Christian friends to ever doubt themselves as Christians or good people because they only saw these amazing Christians that seemed to have their “shit” together. I spoke out because I know the power of prayer and that God gets the opportunity to be glorified. I do get scared. I sometimes get hurt. I have sacrificed many times over what people think of me and influenced whether people wanted to spend substantial time around me by this. I hope this has not been in vain. I used to believe that God would use me to open people up, help those who hid their pain in secret, show people that you can be as honest as you want and it will not tarnish God’s truth. You can display your imperfections, doubts, failures, fears and your innermost longings and allow others to be a part of and to see the glory of God work. I used to feel that people had a fear of sharing because of shame, fear of alienation from others, fear of looking like the person that doesn’t have it all together, fear that God would not be glorified if you told the truth, fear that God would look small and distant if you told the truth of your struggles and circumstances. I thought this because at times, I have these same fears. I push through them, maybe for illogical reasoning, I don’t quite know yet because God WILL be glorified and I believe the sharing will comfort someone who is hurting in the same ways or with the same struggles. I never want one of my non-Christian friends to finally give the church a shot never to come across a “real” Christian (or one willing to take down the mask to reveal they are a real Christian). I never want that new Christian to feel completely alone in their faith or there church community because of the lack of depth offered by the people around them. I never want that new (or hell, old even) Christian to feel that they aren’t really a Christian because they feel they struggle with something or have done something that a real Christian would never do.

Anyway, I am more than hear thoughts and feedback by those who know me and those who may not. Truly, deep down inside I fight incredible insecurities. Unfortunately, some have developed because I have fought to share the truth because I really believe that is what God has called me to do. I have been encouraged to stay the course and continue fighting for the truth and the openness of myself as a Christian by people from different groups from different areas of the country. I admit though that many times I feel really lonely and insecure. I attribute this to the title I know must be written across my crown “The Most Unstable Person You'll Ever Know.” Sometimes I delight in this because I know that it is clear to others that I would be nowhere without Christ, other times it causes me pain because I think that people (especially Christian men) choose not to have close contact with or consider me as a possible mate because of the things I share. The problem I see as I assess what I believe God has called me to be is that because of the pain or loneliness on a human level that results from my sharing, I wonder if my insecurities are just an attack from Satan or if I am only serving to make myself appear completely unstable in relation to others without it doing any good for the church or other Christians.

I always thought my mission field would be outside the church with the people I could relate to, with my old friends and loved ones who were lost. I never believed in a million years it would be within the church: to open up doors, break down barriers and push so that Christians can feel that the church is a place where they can be themselves and share/ask for prayer for real issues. Either Satan is attacking me because he knows I am opening up a door in others that will bring much Christian growth and glorify God or I am a fool and have focused on something unimportant with the end result of being the village idiot having shared my true heart.

I still think some see me as the village idiot but I do believe that others are encouraged to open up more and give their community the chance to see God glorified through them. If you don’t show others the bad, how can God get the glory for when he works in your heart or changes your situation? Are we taking opportunities from God to be glorified the more we try to maintain the façade of having it all together? Are we taking a beautiful witness from our Christian community of growth so we can appear to already have achieved that place of complete sanctification? Do we rob him of the level of glory if our mask has hidden so much that when God works, no one sees it?